Suicidal Tendencies
“These days, these endless nights, they will end, they have to, as have the days that are gone before.”, these words keep playing in my head every day, and when the day surrenders to the night, these words come back to haunt me like the whispers of a lost loved one. Maybe these words hold me back from taking the final step, but how long? The weight of the memories that I have not shared, the unrequited and unresolved emotions, they get heavier with each passing day. With not a soul to tell, the body searches for ways to ease the pains the mind cannot. Can the physical pain numb what the mind cannot? It is worth a shot, nothing more to lose now. All of this, I am not saying these for the first time. These thoughts, they come back to me without notice, in a circle, like the hour hand of the clock slowly but surely comes back to the same position after leaving it for 12 hours. What ways are there, that would comfort my soul, even if it costs my body? Could it be the overflow of medications rushing through my veins? Or is it the warm embrace of a blaze? Probably it is the blade that is piercing my flesh. Whatever may it be, it sure seems to calm my heart. Some of you may wonder about the sanity of the extreme measures taken, but there are only a few options to stay sane with your back to the wall. I want the cycle to stop, I really do, but how can it be without something or someone stopping it? I, myself am surely failing to do so. As I pass these days, my heart becomes colder than ice, harder than stone, and darker than the darkest days, so, does it matter anymore? As I also slowly but surely lose the ability to feel. After all of this, why don’t I take the big step?
Hope, because of hope. It is really funny that such a small word carries such a huge power. The hope of everything that has come and is yet to come not being as it was yesterday, makes me want to hang on a bit more, I’m already a drowning man, what more could I lose? It would have been easier, surely, if someone had lent me an ear, maybe I would have been better, or perhaps, the reason for this not happening is that I may have gone too far away to be heard. I will not let my existence go in vain, the only thing I will let go of now is the injustice I have done to myself. There are millions of regrets, millions of scars, and millions of burdens on my broken heart but for this “hope”, I am willing to do things I have never done before. Allah has always been kind to me, but like some of the people around me, I have not, this is where I am willing to start, this is where I lost myself.
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